Closures (Part 2)

"Written by a friend for his ex-girlfriend"

Some humid nights ago during lent, I was awakened by a beautiful dream which went onto almost becoming a nightmare. The dream started with a faceless lady whispering "I love you" in my dreamscapes of lush gardens planted with maybe peach-coloured tulips and roses and a variety of ornamentals. In the dream, she embraced me and I embraced her back. We held each other, felt each other's warmth, listened to each other's heartbeat. Suddenly the lady set herself free and started stabbing my heart. She kept on stabbing me while I was in shock. In that state, I woke up. I felt lonelier than ever. I cried and I wanted to cry more but the thought of asking myself about what my dream meant overwhelmed me.

Deep inside, I knew who the girl in my dream was. But like a fool thinking that dreams are reversed in real life, I curtained my thoughts. Hours after the dream, I cannot help but draw out its significance in my life. I reflected on the idea that the dream was about the woman whom I have loved all these years but never did return the same kind of love back to me. And in so doing, I was hurt. Not because she never actually returned the love back, but more importantly, under the present circumstances, she really cannot love me the way I love her. Not as a lover, maybe not even as a friend.

What hurts most is the fact that she is actually working it out with the person whom she married but lately found out to have lost respect for her (that's what she said). Now, I feel like a rabid opportunist for grabbing the chance to become more than close to her when I knew that she does not love him anymore (or so I thought?). I kept thinking about the possibility of losing one's love for someone and yet still try to make the relationship work. Aside from finding it paradoxical, I find it self-defeating. Or am I just still interested in her? I admit I am.

Ahhhh, now I know - The kids - two lovely children (and probably a new one spawned during the lenten vacation) - who cannot be caught up in the complicated turmoil of a separation. The movie and comic-like drama of using children to salvage a marriage that has lost its inspiration - love and respect - is played up, again and again, along with perpetual religious overtones highlighted by phrases ceremoniously uttered by would-be-husbands and wives in their respective wedding days. But then again, maybe it's just me and my self-centered, selfish affectations for her that pushes me to desire her separation. Now, you know what a selfish jerk I am. Is this love for real? Are my feelings for her really sincere? Who cares?! I believe that it makes no difference now. Not ever.

I figured that there would be no more promises of exploring each other's sexuality and pleasures, no more plans to stay overnight at a company-owned hotel in Manila, no more brief, tight cuddles; no more teasing text messages, no more office calls, no letters, and ultimately, no hope of being together. It's that simple. Nothing. As if everything just came into this grinding halt, and all that is felt remain unsure. *Needless of any definition, I love her still though, and I would continue doing so within my undefined lifetime.* That's all I ever wanted to tell her. And with things being worked out between her and her husband - she doesn't have to know where I am and how I am. She doesn't have to even remember the things that make her remind me of who I am.

As a final gesture of letting her go, I finally gave her portrait. For years, I whispered to that portrait, gazed into her charcoal-drawn eyes,smiled at her paper-laden smile...kissed her before sleeping at night... I have held her portrait for quite a time, and now, it's time to be given to its rightful owner for her to decide what to do with it. Like the old letters and cards, it could also be burnt to ashes and flushed down memory lane.

Life is full of contradictions, it makes the world go round; it is continuity. It is life in itself. Only ambivalence in the realm of love stops it. It stopped my world from revolving. It closed my life.

I choose to be okay

Some people close to me may be wondering why I look okay despite the recent tragedy in my life. Maybe it's just my personality or maybe I am just aware of the realities of life. I cannot stop living even when my husband has passed away.

I chose not to cry when I saw my husband on the ER bed. Because, I just talked to him minutes back and I didn't think then that he will be leaving us. I knew then that he will pull through. I also didn't want the kids to see me giving up their father's life.

I now choose to be okay, to move on, to get a life. I just can't sulk in one corner and let everyone witness how i grieve. I just can't be boxed in the stereotype "grieving wife". In this country, widows are expected to cry buckets of tears until we're probably dehydrated from crying. Widows are expected to wear black to signify that "yes, i am grieving". Widows should not go out and have fun with my kids and friends, because that is a disrespect to the person who passed away. Probably, not even expected to be seen smiling or laughing, because maybe then, people would think I'm celebrating. Simply put, widows are expected to "die" with their husbands.

In as much as I would like to spend the whole month, the whole year or even my whole life crying over my husband's passing, it's just not me. It's not that I refused to it's just that I don't think it would do me and my kids any good. Practically speaking, tears cannot feed 2 hungry kids. Wearing black cannot send 2 kids to school. And sulking can NEVER pay bills.

This is not to say that I am way past the grieving stage. I still am grieving. I still have my moments of wishing he's still with me. Moments of crying and sobbing. But, I do that in the confines of my own space. And I do that to unload my heart of the pain. In fact, I don't think I can ever recover from Reddy's passing. Feeling and being okay is just my way of coping. Of moving on. I don't want to apologize for falling short of people's expectations of how i should grieve. Again, other people's expectation can neither feed me and my kids, send them to school and pay my bills. This is just how I handle loss. And I think this is how it should be done.

Not crying buckets of tears, not wearing black, going out with my friends will never ever mean that I have stopped and would ever stop loving Reddy. He will always be a part of my life. A very special and vital part of my person. Having said that, I have gotten part of my strength from him. And I know this is how he would want me to deal with my grief.

My heart's prayer

God of compassion, there is such a hole in my heart! Today should be a day of joy, but I feel only emptiness and loss. While the world celebrates around me, I remember Christmas celebrations of the past and I long to have my loved one with me. I bring my sorrows to you, Lord, like some odd gift of the magi and dump them at your feet. In my blind tears I wonder if anyone can possibly understand the depth of my sadness. I know, you can. You sent your son to be with us in our deepest sorrows and I know that even though I might not feel it now, you are here with me, grieving with me, caring for me in my sadness.

Dearest lord, help me to turn to the one I miss so much today and speak. Help me heal the loss of our parting and help me not to regret the things I didn't say. Sorrow tears at my heart, but today I ask that my loss soften my heart and make me more compassionate with everyone I meet, so that my loss may become a gift to others...

the christmas spirit

Every year, it has been our "tradition" to buy gifts for family members. We go to the "tiangge's" to look for gifts to give away. I was always tasked and given the responsibility to make a list, choose the items and buy the gifts for the very special people in our lives.
This year, I'm just not in the mood to do the task. It's almost December and I have not bought one single christmas gift. I guess I'm just not up for it. I would like to apologize to all these special people but, I would have to pass up on this, and hopefully just this year.I used to enjoy shopping for gifts. Sadly, it's not one of the things i enjoy doing anymore. It's just not right doing it by myself this time. I have been thinking about it for days, but i just can't do it. I don't want to. Because it will just bring back memories. Good memories, in fact, but these good memories will surely make me sad. Honestly, I am not even planning to celebrate christmas this year. I have this "what is there to celebrate?" feeling. But then, i have kids and christmas is truly for kids. And I know it will be unfair if I insist on not celebrating christmas. I owe them my strength, they keep me going, and they are the source of my happiness. And these are enough reasons for me to feel the christmas spirit.

Christmas around the corner

Same time last year, we were already buying some gifts for pamangkins and inaanaks. Same time last year, the kids and I were already done with our Christmas tree with pink trimmings. It was a "pink" Christmas for the 4 of us. The 2 kids, me and reddy.

Same time last year, my husband and I had already planned for the noche buena menu of the juicy and delicious inihaw, my own version of pasta, ham and cheese.
My husband and I planned a more sumptuous menu for the new year's eve. Since, this is when almost all of our relatives get together and celebrate in one home, our home. Reddy was already looking for a reliable but inexpensive grill pan because our new year's menu should have been rib eye steak, Salad ala Italianni's and yep, some more pasta. I remember vividly how excited we were looking forward to sharing this new "Reddy's" specialty to the family. We wanted to celebrate the new year differently. Starting from the food we will prepare. Every year we were already used to eating the arroz caldo/goto specialty of mama luz and the usual Reddy's special inihaw. But since, mama was in the US at that time, we decided to make the menu more "sosyal".

But, we didn't get to make the steak, toss the salad, and cook the pasta al dente. It was a different christmas and new year for all of us. A different turn of events, a different life. I am still not used to not having him around, especially this season.

It has been a very different christmas in 2006, Reddy was still with us physically, though in a very different state. It was a different new year, too. We tried to celebrate, but it was very hard to call it a celebration when we were all in tears.

I feel his absence now more than ever. I miss him everyday. I will surely and terribly miss him this christmas as I have missed him the day he left. Because, the same time last year, we were still planning our christmas and new year's menu, together.

Overloved

21+ years...How on earth can one person love me all these years?

It's so overwhelmingly unbelievable that I would like to kick or pinch myself just to make myself realize that it's for real. That he is for real.

To think that I have hurt him enough to blacklist me from his life forever.

But, I am truly blessed.

I am so touched and I am so thankful to get that much love.

Things that make me happy

• The genuine laughter of my kids



• Watching a movie



• Goldilocks mocha cake



• Chicharong bulaklak and coke



• Malling with my kids



• Having coffee with my friends



• Watching funny videos at youtube



• "Balikbayan" box items



• candid photos of my kids



• Fun talk with my "Sun" officemates



• Nonsense chatting with Elise



• Conversations with Zam



• Conversations with April



• The smell of fruity body butter and applying it to my body



• Accompanying my daughters to the salon



• Morning kisses from my kids before they go to school



• Arriving home in the evening and looking at my sleeping kids



• Looking at Reddy's pictures



• Watching House MD episodes (about 5 to 8 episodes non-stop)



• The "Say a Little Prayer" scene in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding



• Seeing my kids enjoy watching High School Musical 1 and 2



• Listening to my kids singing



• Watching my kids dance



• Being with my nieces and nephews



• Reading a good book



• A rainy day



• Text messages from loved ones



• Coffee at Figaro



• McDonald's meals



• And, yes, my present job and some people i work with make me really happy

I truly thank the Lord for all the happiness he has been showering me everyday. For I know that not everyone are blessed with these simple but heartwarming "happiness" all the time.