Thankful

I have been feeling so low lately that I don't even know how to cure it with happy thoughts. One friend who has been a witness to my crying told me to stop holding on to RED because he was just lent to me. And to start living with the "living". I kind of felt offended with those words. After all, no one can ever understand the way i feel.

I am still trying to fight the sadness the "happy thoughts" way. By being thankful for the 14 years 10 months and 15 days of marriage (I still am married to Reddy, though); 16 years 3 months and 9 days of being "together"; 21 years of just knowing each other, a few weeks of which as "mortal enemies". Well, we had this childish fight. I didn't know about it at first but, while i was walking along our street inside the village he just started yelling at me "bad trip! bad trip!" I later learned that it was the comment I made about their "mobile" group. It's a group he formed with his friends when they were teenagers where they will play music for parties. Anyway, a year later he started courting me. He told me that he got attracted to me when he saw me drank a cup of coffee during the debut party of one of our friends. That was, if i remember it correctly, in July 1990. Less than a month after that he formally courted me. On his first visit at home, he stayed until about 11PM, during that time, by my parent's standard, it's too late. My father, went to the living room with a banig (A sleeping mat) and started spreading the banig in front of us. And then he said something like "gabi na, bukas naman" (It's already late, visit again tomorrow). Fast forward to February 8, 1992, almost 2 years after, we got married. A few months after we had our first daughter.

April has 14 years 8 months and 2 days with Reddy. 14 birthdays, 13 christmas-es, first communion, countless movies together, rough plays, video games, and never-ending happy memories with him.

Zam's 9th birthday was celebrated when Reddy was in the hospital. A few days before that was Zam's first communion. These two liked the same physical activities. They both like to play badminton , to swim, play counter strike, and yes, joke around. Zam just happens to be a girl but she is almost exactly like her father.

I am thankful for the good memories we have shared with Reddy individually and as a family. I am truly thankful for our daughters April and Zam, for having their chance and their share of happy and memorable moments with their father. Although, he's not with us physically, he is always in our hearts and will forever be part of our happy thoughts.

We just miss you...everyday

Dear Reddy,
We went to Puerto Galera 2 weeks ago and as usual, we miss your playful presence. I can never match the "rough" water games you play with the kids. I know they missed that. I know they wished I can do that with them. But, I was sad that I can't. I guess there are things that I really can't do as a "father" to the kids. Beth, Kaye and Benjie missed you. Benjie pretended that he was drinking beer with you.

We'll be going to Hongkong this weekend. Vacations will never be the same without you. Tita Neng said had she known you'll be leaving us soon, she should have made us go to Hongkong last year. In that Hongkong trip we know you'll be with us. You'll never let us miss any fun part. This early, April has been bugging me to be with her in all the "fun" rides only you two can appreciate. This trip is more fun if you're with us. Be with us in your usual fun spirit. We love you Reddy. Every fun part we'll have in Hongkong is for you.

IT'S BEEN FOUR MONTHS...

I continue to miss you up to this day. The kids and I are moving on but, it's never the same. It will never ever be the same. How can i ever get over you when we had more than 15 years together. Sure, there were roadblocks but we were able to get past them. And, it sure will not be the same for the kids because you are the one and only "papa" they know. I don't even know if I'm filling up your shoes right. And I'm scared. I really am. Fact is I don't know if I can play my role well...as a single working mother and a first time "father".

I don't know how long I can hold on. They say I'm strong, I just hope they're right. But, how do they measure my strength?

I have been grieving in trickles and I don't know if it's doing me any good. I just want to do it that way, because in my mind if my grieving ends that means you're really gone. I know it's silly. I just see it that way. And if I choose to grieve all my life, it's all right. I'm the one grieving anyway. Right now, I don't want to pour out my grieving. I don't want to cry hard because I still want to believe in my heart that you're still here. That we're just not seeing each other. Please allow me to believe that all these times that I don't see you, you're just out with your friends, you're playing badminton, you're at work, you're out of town. I just don't want to think you're not here anymore. I miss you. I freakin' miss you so much!

mylene 04252007

A FRESH START

It's just coincidence that the day I said my goodbyes to my colleagues, it was also the day that I informed my parents-in-law that I and the kids have decided to live with my parents.

First, the new job. I resigned last March 13 not knowing where to go. It was an emotional, drastic and yes, stupid decision on my part. Stupid because, being a single mom, I cannot afford to be without a job. But, I left it all up to HIM. True enough, a week after I filed my resignation, I found a job. This is now my second day in my new "family" and I am enjoying it so far.

Second, a new yet old home. I am just going back to my roots. To where I really belong. Though, I never really left :)

I just feel that with Reddy's passing, I need to be around people who truly knows me. Who understands me more than anyone. It's not that my parents-in-law don't know me and don't understand me. It's just that we all are in grief and as much as I would want to support them with their grief...It might make mine worse. I just feel that I am not the best support system for them now and vice versa. I just feel comfortable being with my "own family" with all due respect to my in-laws who are so supportive of me and the kids in all aspect that I could not ask for more.

I just want to feel the bond of my family. Now that mine is incomplete. I just want my kids to be "just kids" and somehow even for some moment, they will not feel that they are still grieving. That they are part of a complete and "happy" family.

The home we've lived since my kids were born is a great reminder of their fun time with their father but, in the same way that it also give them the sadness that their father will not be coming "home".

That said, my decision is based on 2 beautiful souls. These 2 great blessings are my responsibility and the sole reason why I had to say goodbye to my colleagues to look for a new "family" and to go back to my new/old home and be with my "own family".

mylene 04172007

• I miss laughing at your silly but very funny jokes • I miss going to the grocery with you • I miss your text messages • I miss calling you or you calling me at work • I miss our fights - seriously! • I miss watching you and the kids together • I miss watching you play badminton with zam (or with your friends) • I miss sitting beside you while you're driving • I miss giving you a massage • I miss your handwriting :-) • I miss your dead toenails (LOL!) • I miss looking at your long eyelashes • I miss the food you cook and watching you cook • I miss touching you • I terribly miss watching you kiss the kids goodnight • I miss your goodnight kisses • I miss sleeping beside you • I miss kissing you before going to work in the morning • I miss preparing your MILO in the morning (2 heaping teaspoonfuls of MILO, 1 teaspoon of sugar, 1/4 glass hot water and 3/4 fresh milk) • I miss your smell • I miss eating out with you • I miss watching movies with you • I miss holding hands with you • I miss sharing our Mcdo french fries dip - mustard and catsup • I miss sharing a BIGMAC and a LARGE COKE with you • I miss sharing our dips for Lechon kawali and Crispy pata(bagoong na isda with lots of calamansi), TAPA (Patis with LOTS of calamansi), Vigan Longganisa (Tomatoes and Patis) • I miss the way you force me and the kids to eat the food you cook or the food you like to eat • I miss your crankiness • I miss watching you dance just to make the kids laugh • I miss watching you bond with papang, mamang, my sisters, jon, tin, your cousins, your uncles and aunts, my brothers in law, noel, noann and patpat... • I miss ironing your uniforms and seeing you wear them • I miss folding your shirts and shorts and seeing you wear them • I miss your "pillow habit" • I miss talking to you about serious and not so serious stuff • I miss your voice • I miss listening to you when you talk about work and co-workers • I miss your "pasalubongs" - however seldom they may be :-) • I miss seeing you wear your favorite jersey top • I miss hearing you telling me to buy you chicharon and telling you to stop eating it • I miss telling you to stop smoking and drinking and coming home late and spending too much time with your friends

This space will not be enough to write everything I miss about you. I just miss your LOVE for life...for your family...for your friends...for me and most especially for your kids. I don't think i'd ever stop missing you. Not now. Not ever.

mylene 03222007

HOW DO I LET GO?

No one can ever predict or dictate how long my grieving will be. I know that it's really a matter of choice. .. MY CHOICE. But, through the help of my family and true, patient and loyal friends, I am sure that I will never find it hard to go through this life's test and will come out of it in one BETTER piece.

And though, there are no sure ways to cope with a loss, there are pockets of wisdom which will certainly help me understand and handle my emotions well. Wisdom shared by friends who know, understand and love me unconditionally. Friends who will always be there to put me back to where I should be...snap me back to reality...save me from drowning with my own sorrows...who will catch me when i fall...or pick me up if i fall hard flat on my face...:-)

• One doesn't set conditions to attain peace...no ifs and buts...it's either you want it or not.
• When you decide to accept reality...when you face the fact that you don't and you can't be miserable just because he's gone...when you stop pitying yourself...when you understand that you are actually a complete person with or without him...when you start appreciating life...
• it's actually letting go but not forgetting...you cherish and celebrate your life with him and not drown in sorrow for his passing away.
• you love him that much and no one is asking you to unlove him. He's moved on to a different plane now...you could draw strength from whatever he has shared with you.
• me? i moved on coz i simply chose to...yes, there were dark , lonely, pitiful, miserable, wanting-to-die periods too, but its simply a choice one has to make in full understanding of all probable implications.
• don't doubt your capacity to raise your kids well...you're a good person and have wonderful kids who love you and would understand you.
• "There are many ways to test one's strength of character. Why this?"...Because it's the kind of test that might shape your character to its best.
• Letting go doesn't mean not loving or stopping from loving them...it's recognizing that each of us have individual lives, lives that we agree to share with others.
• We are all complete beings...but the quality of our completeness lies on how we appreciate life...from the littlest of things to the most grand dreams.
• We don't have all the answers in this world...but there are things which help us find answers to some of our nagging questions about life.
• It's not actually how long does one take to realize when to move on or let go...it's that need to consciously understand what, why things happen and take a firm decision on what needs to be done.
• Life is our canvass...but we pick out the hues, colors, strokes and forms...our moods, attitudes, behavior, disposition affect our overall picture. BUT WE CAN PAINT ANEW.
• You can't hang on to one who's already someplace else. Cherish his life, draw strength from the ways he lived it well, learn...not hold on to him hoping he'd be back...individualized coping means.

mylene 03172007

THE LAST CALL

If you are to be asked to call or talk to someone for the last time, who would that person be?

For someone who is single, that person will call his mother or father, his sister or brother. Or even a friend. A person who is married will definitely say, he'll call his spouse or his child.

I have that privilege of talking to my husband, Reddy for the last time on December 18, Monday, 8:34 PM. However short that conversation was, it will definitely linger in my mind, my heart and my soul forever.

That call has consoled me so many times since december 18. It was a brief conversation with Reddy. He just complained of the discomfort and pain he was feeling at that time. Part of that call was hearing him vomiting on the other line. And then the line was cut.

How has that consoled me? I can think of so many things;

• I was the last person he thought of calling even when he was in pain.
• He made me feel important to him.
• He proved (for the last time) that he LOVE me.
• I was able to know how he was at that moment. If i hadn't known what was happening to him at that time, I wouldn't have been this "strong".
• The call prepared me for the worst.
• I heard his voice for the last time.

The conversation was not the one I would have wanted, had I known it would be our last. I would have told him how much I love him and he would have told me the same. I'm sure if he also had known that that would be his last call he would have told me many things. One of which is to take care of the kids, to tell everyone how much he love them and will miss them when he's gone. We would have a more meaningful conversation. But, I am thankful to Reddy for thinking of me during that time. I thank the Lord for giving us that one last chance to talk to each other.

The only thing I can do now is to give meaning to that call. Not everyone are given that privilege to talk to their love ones for the last time. I was given that chance.

I love you, Reddy. I will forever miss your voice. I will forever miss talking to you.

mylene 02032007