Some people close to me may be wondering why I look okay despite the recent tragedy in my life. Maybe it's just my personality or maybe I am just aware of the realities of life. I cannot stop living even when my husband has passed away.
I chose not to cry when I saw my husband on the ER bed. Because, I just talked to him minutes back and I didn't think then that he will be leaving us. I knew then that he will pull through. I also didn't want the kids to see me giving up their father's life.
I now choose to be okay, to move on, to get a life. I just can't sulk in one corner and let everyone witness how i grieve. I just can't be boxed in the stereotype "grieving wife". In this country, widows are expected to cry buckets of tears until we're probably dehydrated from crying. Widows are expected to wear black to signify that "yes, i am grieving". Widows should not go out and have fun with my kids and friends, because that is a disrespect to the person who passed away. Probably, not even expected to be seen smiling or laughing, because maybe then, people would think I'm celebrating. Simply put, widows are expected to "die" with their husbands.
In as much as I would like to spend the whole month, the whole year or even my whole life crying over my husband's passing, it's just not me. It's not that I refused to it's just that I don't think it would do me and my kids any good. Practically speaking, tears cannot feed 2 hungry kids. Wearing black cannot send 2 kids to school. And sulking can NEVER pay bills.
This is not to say that I am way past the grieving stage. I still am grieving. I still have my moments of wishing he's still with me. Moments of crying and sobbing. But, I do that in the confines of my own space. And I do that to unload my heart of the pain. In fact, I don't think I can ever recover from Reddy's passing. Feeling and being okay is just my way of coping. Of moving on. I don't want to apologize for falling short of people's expectations of how i should grieve. Again, other people's expectation can neither feed me and my kids, send them to school and pay my bills. This is just how I handle loss. And I think this is how it should be done.
Not crying buckets of tears, not wearing black, going out with my friends will never ever mean that I have stopped and would ever stop loving Reddy. He will always be a part of my life. A very special and vital part of my person. Having said that, I have gotten part of my strength from him. And I know this is how he would want me to deal with my grief.
