I continue to miss you up to this day. The kids and I are moving on but, it's never the same. It will never ever be the same. How can i ever get over you when we had more than 15 years together. Sure, there were roadblocks but we were able to get past them. And, it sure will not be the same for the kids because you are the one and only "papa" they know. I don't even know if I'm filling up your shoes right. And I'm scared. I really am. Fact is I don't know if I can play my role well...as a single working mother and a first time "father".
I don't know how long I can hold on. They say I'm strong, I just hope they're right. But, how do they measure my strength?
I have been grieving in trickles and I don't know if it's doing me any good. I just want to do it that way, because in my mind if my grieving ends that means you're really gone. I know it's silly. I just see it that way. And if I choose to grieve all my life, it's all right. I'm the one grieving anyway. Right now, I don't want to pour out my grieving. I don't want to cry hard because I still want to believe in my heart that you're still here. That we're just not seeing each other. Please allow me to believe that all these times that I don't see you, you're just out with your friends, you're playing badminton, you're at work, you're out of town. I just don't want to think you're not here anymore. I miss you. I freakin' miss you so much!
mylene 04252007
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