MAXIMUM DOSAGE

December 18, 2006 around 8:34pm

On my way home, I received a call from my husband telling me that he's nauseus, is having a headache and then he starts throwing up on the other line. I called him again to ask him how he is and then he said, to wait, he'll just go to the bathroom. i called again and nobody answered, 2nd call, the phone just kept ringing...i was saying a silent prayer hoping that he's okay...3rd call, his friend answered and told me that they will rush reddy to cardinal santos...i asked if he's conscious...i can't remember their response.

I called my friend and asked her where she is and then i hung up when she said they're already on their way home. She called me to ask what's wrong and then i told her what happened. I called another friend and ask her to come and see me at the office lobby. Another friend came; And then we're off to the hospital. The longest ride I ever took. Considering that it will only take you a maximum of 10 to 15 minutes from Robinsons Galleria to Cardinal Santos Hospital.

When we arrived in the hospital, I don't know what and how to react anymore; I was just hoping that Reddy is okay. When I got to the ER, I saw reddy in that hospital gown, lying in that hospital bed. With all the tubes connected. Someone's helping him breathe manually with a respirator. Inside that ER, I was still in shock, trying to absorb everything that's happening. It all came too fast, that I didn't know how and what to feel. I just wanted an explanation. Then, i started calling family members, friends, relatives. I knew at that point I needed help.

The doctors started explaining to me things that I really tried to accept...to understand. He underwent a CT scan. When the result came out, the doctor said that they can't do anything anymore. It has something to do with a damaged brain stem...That they can't do surgery because it won't do him any good. That all we can do is to pray for a miracle. I was in a state of shock...(up to now I still am). At that point, I think I must have thought a miracle is good enough...That it's still something that I can hold on to...That this miracle can still happen. And then Reddy was wheeled to the ICU.

One by one, family members started coming in...crying...I remember telling them to stop crying. I don't know why, I just didn't want to see or hear anyone crying or weeping. I requested that me and my daughters be allowed inside the ICU. To talk to my husband...For my daughters to talk to their father. Because I know he can still hear us. Because at that point, I believe that our voices will bring him back to life. To give him the strength and the will to come back to life. He just have to be alive. The ICU staff didn't allow our youngest daughter inside the ICU. I was literally begging them to allow her inside. I will sign any waiver just so my daughter can go inside the ICU but to no avail. My eldest daughter and I went inside the ICU. When April started talking to his father, I know Reddy was struggling to move. I know he's still with us. His legs were jerking. We started to tell him that in 2 days, we will be celebrating Zam's birthday. He had to stand up. He had to move. He had to be alive. My daughter was sobbing, my tears were falling, but I can't still bring myself to cry out loud, to sob. I still don't know why. We were told to wait for the visiting hours. It's at 10am the following day. The longest 9 or 10 hours of my life.

December 19, 2006 around 9:30am...onwards

I went inside the ICU to talk to the doctor. The doctor told me that his eyes have dilated again(whatever that means). And then he was declared clinically brain dead. Even when the EEG test have not been done. I still didn't know how to react. I just requested that Reddy be moved to a regular room. His daughter, Zam, had to see him. Zam had to talk to him. I knew Zam will still make a difference. I knew Zam will bring him back to life. At that moment, part of me was losing hope. Part of me was starting to prepare for the inevitable. But, despite what the doctors have said, part of me still believed in miracles. Though, I know that miracles happen in about one in a million, it's still possible that miracle will be given to us...to Reddy. We started praying...his sister, his mom, his brother in law and his aunt, who are all in the US started talking to him over the phone. We are all fighting for Reddy's life. We are all giving him the strength and encouragement to fight back to life.

I kept telling him to come back. That we still have so many things to do. so many places that we haven't been to. He still has to see his daughters graduate. In his words, "bubugbugin pa niya yung mga manliligaw ng mga anak niya" He still has to see them get married, have kids. He still has to see his grandchildren.

Friends started to visit, started praying for him. They even started teasing him when he's lying in bed unconscious. "Pare, inom na tayo"..."Badminton na tayo"..."Game na" I know he can hear those words of encouragement. And I know that he's still trying to fight back. I just knew that he still wanted to live. I JUST KNOW.

Days passed and his chances of getting better are getting grim. I didn't know when I started telling him that if he's already in pain, if he's tired, he can go and rest. To not worry about me and his kids because the people who love him will take care of us. I just asked him to be with us every day. to look after us. To guide me in taking care of the kids. I just can't bear to look at him in that condition anymore. I have to let go to ease him of the pain. But, something in my heart is still holding on to him. I knew he never wanted to leave us, especially his kids, but his body can't take the pain anymore. He is such a very active individual. Someone, who is so restless. Even if he's not feeling well, he will just take something for the pain and then he'll be moving around again. He just can't stand or sit still. That's why I knew, that if he still can, he will still try to endure the pain that he was going through in that hospital bed. Just so he can still be with us. But, I also knew in my heart that even though he still wanted to be with us, his body can't take the pain anymore. All those medicines, the doctor told me, was the maximum dose they can give to a patient. They started giving him one medicine to stabilize his BP and then there were three. All in their maximum dosage. I know with all the medicine he was given, he's had enough. Because Reddy is not someone who depends on medicines/drugs.

Reddy's BP started dropping on the 22nd of December. Family members and friends started to cry. Started to say their goodbyes to Reddy. I asked that my children and I be given the chance to spend some time alone with my husband...their father. They need to talk to their father. To say their goodbyes away from the eyes and the ears of (even) family members. Our eldest daughter, april who's only 14, have shown strength, maturity and grace all throughout this ordeal. Zam, our youngest was the one who I know still wants to hold on to Reddy. But, I knew at that point she understood that her father can't be with us anymore.

That experience was the maximum dosage one can have in a lifetime. Even in 2 or more lifetimes.

Reddy joined our Creator on the 23rd of December. 3 days after Zam's birthday. 2 days before our Creator's birthday. 10 days before the new year. He was laid to rest on December 28.

mylene 01012007