It happens all the time. During my commute to work, before i go to sleep, when i wake up, every family gathering. I just find myself staring blankly and the scenes from reddy's last days just flashes in my mind. And the tears just starts falling.
The scenes vary. The moment I got to the hospital. The time I called family members and then I will try to recall what I did and said in those moments. Who I called first, what I told our family members, etc.
The day when he left us. Silently. His heart just stopped. His lifeless body in bed for a few hours. Cried a little, whispered our goodbyes and then settled the hospital bills.
The afternoon when we brought him to the memorial chapel. Hardest part was choosing the coffin and haggling for the 5-day wake package of the chapel telling the agent to give in to our request as a Christmas gift. *sigh*
That instant when we arrived in the chapel and the moment I saw him lying in the coffin...his face was so peaceful. But, I felt my feet were so heavy I had to drag myself towards the coffin. It was just so hard to look at him in that state.
The heartbreaking scene when his mother and sister arrived from the US. They didn't know that Reddy already passed when they arrived. They thought they'll still go straight to the hospital.
Our happy moments together. It's too painful because I know I can't have those moments anymore.
Realizing that at the end of each day it's just me and the kids.
Thinking how we can get through life without him. Silently asking him why he left us so early.
Dreading the coming special events and celebrations because he won't be part of that anymore. And knowing that those occasions will be attended by family members and that will make me feel more incomplete.
Remembering with fondness our last birthday celebration together. A lunch at Italianni's gateway. And not wanting it to come because i am so used celebrating our birthdays together.
