My heart's prayer

God of compassion, there is such a hole in my heart! Today should be a day of joy, but I feel only emptiness and loss. While the world celebrates around me, I remember Christmas celebrations of the past and I long to have my loved one with me. I bring my sorrows to you, Lord, like some odd gift of the magi and dump them at your feet. In my blind tears I wonder if anyone can possibly understand the depth of my sadness. I know, you can. You sent your son to be with us in our deepest sorrows and I know that even though I might not feel it now, you are here with me, grieving with me, caring for me in my sadness.

Dearest lord, help me to turn to the one I miss so much today and speak. Help me heal the loss of our parting and help me not to regret the things I didn't say. Sorrow tears at my heart, but today I ask that my loss soften my heart and make me more compassionate with everyone I meet, so that my loss may become a gift to others...

the christmas spirit

Every year, it has been our "tradition" to buy gifts for family members. We go to the "tiangge's" to look for gifts to give away. I was always tasked and given the responsibility to make a list, choose the items and buy the gifts for the very special people in our lives.
This year, I'm just not in the mood to do the task. It's almost December and I have not bought one single christmas gift. I guess I'm just not up for it. I would like to apologize to all these special people but, I would have to pass up on this, and hopefully just this year.I used to enjoy shopping for gifts. Sadly, it's not one of the things i enjoy doing anymore. It's just not right doing it by myself this time. I have been thinking about it for days, but i just can't do it. I don't want to. Because it will just bring back memories. Good memories, in fact, but these good memories will surely make me sad. Honestly, I am not even planning to celebrate christmas this year. I have this "what is there to celebrate?" feeling. But then, i have kids and christmas is truly for kids. And I know it will be unfair if I insist on not celebrating christmas. I owe them my strength, they keep me going, and they are the source of my happiness. And these are enough reasons for me to feel the christmas spirit.

Christmas around the corner

Same time last year, we were already buying some gifts for pamangkins and inaanaks. Same time last year, the kids and I were already done with our Christmas tree with pink trimmings. It was a "pink" Christmas for the 4 of us. The 2 kids, me and reddy.

Same time last year, my husband and I had already planned for the noche buena menu of the juicy and delicious inihaw, my own version of pasta, ham and cheese.
My husband and I planned a more sumptuous menu for the new year's eve. Since, this is when almost all of our relatives get together and celebrate in one home, our home. Reddy was already looking for a reliable but inexpensive grill pan because our new year's menu should have been rib eye steak, Salad ala Italianni's and yep, some more pasta. I remember vividly how excited we were looking forward to sharing this new "Reddy's" specialty to the family. We wanted to celebrate the new year differently. Starting from the food we will prepare. Every year we were already used to eating the arroz caldo/goto specialty of mama luz and the usual Reddy's special inihaw. But since, mama was in the US at that time, we decided to make the menu more "sosyal".

But, we didn't get to make the steak, toss the salad, and cook the pasta al dente. It was a different christmas and new year for all of us. A different turn of events, a different life. I am still not used to not having him around, especially this season.

It has been a very different christmas in 2006, Reddy was still with us physically, though in a very different state. It was a different new year, too. We tried to celebrate, but it was very hard to call it a celebration when we were all in tears.

I feel his absence now more than ever. I miss him everyday. I will surely and terribly miss him this christmas as I have missed him the day he left. Because, the same time last year, we were still planning our christmas and new year's menu, together.

Overloved

21+ years...How on earth can one person love me all these years?

It's so overwhelmingly unbelievable that I would like to kick or pinch myself just to make myself realize that it's for real. That he is for real.

To think that I have hurt him enough to blacklist me from his life forever.

But, I am truly blessed.

I am so touched and I am so thankful to get that much love.

Things that make me happy

• The genuine laughter of my kids



• Watching a movie



• Goldilocks mocha cake



• Chicharong bulaklak and coke



• Malling with my kids



• Having coffee with my friends



• Watching funny videos at youtube



• "Balikbayan" box items



• candid photos of my kids



• Fun talk with my "Sun" officemates



• Nonsense chatting with Elise



• Conversations with Zam



• Conversations with April



• The smell of fruity body butter and applying it to my body



• Accompanying my daughters to the salon



• Morning kisses from my kids before they go to school



• Arriving home in the evening and looking at my sleeping kids



• Looking at Reddy's pictures



• Watching House MD episodes (about 5 to 8 episodes non-stop)



• The "Say a Little Prayer" scene in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding



• Seeing my kids enjoy watching High School Musical 1 and 2



• Listening to my kids singing



• Watching my kids dance



• Being with my nieces and nephews



• Reading a good book



• A rainy day



• Text messages from loved ones



• Coffee at Figaro



• McDonald's meals



• And, yes, my present job and some people i work with make me really happy

I truly thank the Lord for all the happiness he has been showering me everyday. For I know that not everyone are blessed with these simple but heartwarming "happiness" all the time.

FLASHBACKS and FEARS

It happens all the time. During my commute to work, before i go to sleep, when i wake up, every family gathering. I just find myself staring blankly and the scenes from reddy's last days just flashes in my mind. And the tears just starts falling.

The scenes vary. The moment I got to the hospital. The time I called family members and then I will try to recall what I did and said in those moments. Who I called first, what I told our family members, etc.

The day when he left us. Silently. His heart just stopped. His lifeless body in bed for a few hours. Cried a little, whispered our goodbyes and then settled the hospital bills.

The afternoon when we brought him to the memorial chapel. Hardest part was choosing the coffin and haggling for the 5-day wake package of the chapel telling the agent to give in to our request as a Christmas gift. *sigh*

That instant when we arrived in the chapel and the moment I saw him lying in the coffin...his face was so peaceful. But, I felt my feet were so heavy I had to drag myself towards the coffin. It was just so hard to look at him in that state.

The heartbreaking scene when his mother and sister arrived from the US. They didn't know that Reddy already passed when they arrived. They thought they'll still go straight to the hospital.

Our happy moments together. It's too painful because I know I can't have those moments anymore.

Realizing that at the end of each day it's just me and the kids.

Thinking how we can get through life without him. Silently asking him why he left us so early.

Dreading the coming special events and celebrations because he won't be part of that anymore. And knowing that those occasions will be attended by family members and that will make me feel more incomplete.

Remembering with fondness our last birthday celebration together. A lunch at Italianni's gateway. And not wanting it to come because i am so used celebrating our birthdays together.

Memories of you

I am still filled with memories of you
And I want it to stay that way
because that's the only way I know
where I can be with you again