IT'S BEEN FOUR MONTHS...

I continue to miss you up to this day. The kids and I are moving on but, it's never the same. It will never ever be the same. How can i ever get over you when we had more than 15 years together. Sure, there were roadblocks but we were able to get past them. And, it sure will not be the same for the kids because you are the one and only "papa" they know. I don't even know if I'm filling up your shoes right. And I'm scared. I really am. Fact is I don't know if I can play my role well...as a single working mother and a first time "father".

I don't know how long I can hold on. They say I'm strong, I just hope they're right. But, how do they measure my strength?

I have been grieving in trickles and I don't know if it's doing me any good. I just want to do it that way, because in my mind if my grieving ends that means you're really gone. I know it's silly. I just see it that way. And if I choose to grieve all my life, it's all right. I'm the one grieving anyway. Right now, I don't want to pour out my grieving. I don't want to cry hard because I still want to believe in my heart that you're still here. That we're just not seeing each other. Please allow me to believe that all these times that I don't see you, you're just out with your friends, you're playing badminton, you're at work, you're out of town. I just don't want to think you're not here anymore. I miss you. I freakin' miss you so much!

mylene 04252007

A FRESH START

It's just coincidence that the day I said my goodbyes to my colleagues, it was also the day that I informed my parents-in-law that I and the kids have decided to live with my parents.

First, the new job. I resigned last March 13 not knowing where to go. It was an emotional, drastic and yes, stupid decision on my part. Stupid because, being a single mom, I cannot afford to be without a job. But, I left it all up to HIM. True enough, a week after I filed my resignation, I found a job. This is now my second day in my new "family" and I am enjoying it so far.

Second, a new yet old home. I am just going back to my roots. To where I really belong. Though, I never really left :)

I just feel that with Reddy's passing, I need to be around people who truly knows me. Who understands me more than anyone. It's not that my parents-in-law don't know me and don't understand me. It's just that we all are in grief and as much as I would want to support them with their grief...It might make mine worse. I just feel that I am not the best support system for them now and vice versa. I just feel comfortable being with my "own family" with all due respect to my in-laws who are so supportive of me and the kids in all aspect that I could not ask for more.

I just want to feel the bond of my family. Now that mine is incomplete. I just want my kids to be "just kids" and somehow even for some moment, they will not feel that they are still grieving. That they are part of a complete and "happy" family.

The home we've lived since my kids were born is a great reminder of their fun time with their father but, in the same way that it also give them the sadness that their father will not be coming "home".

That said, my decision is based on 2 beautiful souls. These 2 great blessings are my responsibility and the sole reason why I had to say goodbye to my colleagues to look for a new "family" and to go back to my new/old home and be with my "own family".

mylene 04172007

• I miss laughing at your silly but very funny jokes • I miss going to the grocery with you • I miss your text messages • I miss calling you or you calling me at work • I miss our fights - seriously! • I miss watching you and the kids together • I miss watching you play badminton with zam (or with your friends) • I miss sitting beside you while you're driving • I miss giving you a massage • I miss your handwriting :-) • I miss your dead toenails (LOL!) • I miss looking at your long eyelashes • I miss the food you cook and watching you cook • I miss touching you • I terribly miss watching you kiss the kids goodnight • I miss your goodnight kisses • I miss sleeping beside you • I miss kissing you before going to work in the morning • I miss preparing your MILO in the morning (2 heaping teaspoonfuls of MILO, 1 teaspoon of sugar, 1/4 glass hot water and 3/4 fresh milk) • I miss your smell • I miss eating out with you • I miss watching movies with you • I miss holding hands with you • I miss sharing our Mcdo french fries dip - mustard and catsup • I miss sharing a BIGMAC and a LARGE COKE with you • I miss sharing our dips for Lechon kawali and Crispy pata(bagoong na isda with lots of calamansi), TAPA (Patis with LOTS of calamansi), Vigan Longganisa (Tomatoes and Patis) • I miss the way you force me and the kids to eat the food you cook or the food you like to eat • I miss your crankiness • I miss watching you dance just to make the kids laugh • I miss watching you bond with papang, mamang, my sisters, jon, tin, your cousins, your uncles and aunts, my brothers in law, noel, noann and patpat... • I miss ironing your uniforms and seeing you wear them • I miss folding your shirts and shorts and seeing you wear them • I miss your "pillow habit" • I miss talking to you about serious and not so serious stuff • I miss your voice • I miss listening to you when you talk about work and co-workers • I miss your "pasalubongs" - however seldom they may be :-) • I miss seeing you wear your favorite jersey top • I miss hearing you telling me to buy you chicharon and telling you to stop eating it • I miss telling you to stop smoking and drinking and coming home late and spending too much time with your friends

This space will not be enough to write everything I miss about you. I just miss your LOVE for life...for your family...for your friends...for me and most especially for your kids. I don't think i'd ever stop missing you. Not now. Not ever.

mylene 03222007

HOW DO I LET GO?

No one can ever predict or dictate how long my grieving will be. I know that it's really a matter of choice. .. MY CHOICE. But, through the help of my family and true, patient and loyal friends, I am sure that I will never find it hard to go through this life's test and will come out of it in one BETTER piece.

And though, there are no sure ways to cope with a loss, there are pockets of wisdom which will certainly help me understand and handle my emotions well. Wisdom shared by friends who know, understand and love me unconditionally. Friends who will always be there to put me back to where I should be...snap me back to reality...save me from drowning with my own sorrows...who will catch me when i fall...or pick me up if i fall hard flat on my face...:-)

• One doesn't set conditions to attain peace...no ifs and buts...it's either you want it or not.
• When you decide to accept reality...when you face the fact that you don't and you can't be miserable just because he's gone...when you stop pitying yourself...when you understand that you are actually a complete person with or without him...when you start appreciating life...
• it's actually letting go but not forgetting...you cherish and celebrate your life with him and not drown in sorrow for his passing away.
• you love him that much and no one is asking you to unlove him. He's moved on to a different plane now...you could draw strength from whatever he has shared with you.
• me? i moved on coz i simply chose to...yes, there were dark , lonely, pitiful, miserable, wanting-to-die periods too, but its simply a choice one has to make in full understanding of all probable implications.
• don't doubt your capacity to raise your kids well...you're a good person and have wonderful kids who love you and would understand you.
• "There are many ways to test one's strength of character. Why this?"...Because it's the kind of test that might shape your character to its best.
• Letting go doesn't mean not loving or stopping from loving them...it's recognizing that each of us have individual lives, lives that we agree to share with others.
• We are all complete beings...but the quality of our completeness lies on how we appreciate life...from the littlest of things to the most grand dreams.
• We don't have all the answers in this world...but there are things which help us find answers to some of our nagging questions about life.
• It's not actually how long does one take to realize when to move on or let go...it's that need to consciously understand what, why things happen and take a firm decision on what needs to be done.
• Life is our canvass...but we pick out the hues, colors, strokes and forms...our moods, attitudes, behavior, disposition affect our overall picture. BUT WE CAN PAINT ANEW.
• You can't hang on to one who's already someplace else. Cherish his life, draw strength from the ways he lived it well, learn...not hold on to him hoping he'd be back...individualized coping means.

mylene 03172007

THE LAST CALL

If you are to be asked to call or talk to someone for the last time, who would that person be?

For someone who is single, that person will call his mother or father, his sister or brother. Or even a friend. A person who is married will definitely say, he'll call his spouse or his child.

I have that privilege of talking to my husband, Reddy for the last time on December 18, Monday, 8:34 PM. However short that conversation was, it will definitely linger in my mind, my heart and my soul forever.

That call has consoled me so many times since december 18. It was a brief conversation with Reddy. He just complained of the discomfort and pain he was feeling at that time. Part of that call was hearing him vomiting on the other line. And then the line was cut.

How has that consoled me? I can think of so many things;

• I was the last person he thought of calling even when he was in pain.
• He made me feel important to him.
• He proved (for the last time) that he LOVE me.
• I was able to know how he was at that moment. If i hadn't known what was happening to him at that time, I wouldn't have been this "strong".
• The call prepared me for the worst.
• I heard his voice for the last time.

The conversation was not the one I would have wanted, had I known it would be our last. I would have told him how much I love him and he would have told me the same. I'm sure if he also had known that that would be his last call he would have told me many things. One of which is to take care of the kids, to tell everyone how much he love them and will miss them when he's gone. We would have a more meaningful conversation. But, I am thankful to Reddy for thinking of me during that time. I thank the Lord for giving us that one last chance to talk to each other.

The only thing I can do now is to give meaning to that call. Not everyone are given that privilege to talk to their love ones for the last time. I was given that chance.

I love you, Reddy. I will forever miss your voice. I will forever miss talking to you.

mylene 02032007

MAXIMUM DOSAGE

December 18, 2006 around 8:34pm

On my way home, I received a call from my husband telling me that he's nauseus, is having a headache and then he starts throwing up on the other line. I called him again to ask him how he is and then he said, to wait, he'll just go to the bathroom. i called again and nobody answered, 2nd call, the phone just kept ringing...i was saying a silent prayer hoping that he's okay...3rd call, his friend answered and told me that they will rush reddy to cardinal santos...i asked if he's conscious...i can't remember their response.

I called my friend and asked her where she is and then i hung up when she said they're already on their way home. She called me to ask what's wrong and then i told her what happened. I called another friend and ask her to come and see me at the office lobby. Another friend came; And then we're off to the hospital. The longest ride I ever took. Considering that it will only take you a maximum of 10 to 15 minutes from Robinsons Galleria to Cardinal Santos Hospital.

When we arrived in the hospital, I don't know what and how to react anymore; I was just hoping that Reddy is okay. When I got to the ER, I saw reddy in that hospital gown, lying in that hospital bed. With all the tubes connected. Someone's helping him breathe manually with a respirator. Inside that ER, I was still in shock, trying to absorb everything that's happening. It all came too fast, that I didn't know how and what to feel. I just wanted an explanation. Then, i started calling family members, friends, relatives. I knew at that point I needed help.

The doctors started explaining to me things that I really tried to accept...to understand. He underwent a CT scan. When the result came out, the doctor said that they can't do anything anymore. It has something to do with a damaged brain stem...That they can't do surgery because it won't do him any good. That all we can do is to pray for a miracle. I was in a state of shock...(up to now I still am). At that point, I think I must have thought a miracle is good enough...That it's still something that I can hold on to...That this miracle can still happen. And then Reddy was wheeled to the ICU.

One by one, family members started coming in...crying...I remember telling them to stop crying. I don't know why, I just didn't want to see or hear anyone crying or weeping. I requested that me and my daughters be allowed inside the ICU. To talk to my husband...For my daughters to talk to their father. Because I know he can still hear us. Because at that point, I believe that our voices will bring him back to life. To give him the strength and the will to come back to life. He just have to be alive. The ICU staff didn't allow our youngest daughter inside the ICU. I was literally begging them to allow her inside. I will sign any waiver just so my daughter can go inside the ICU but to no avail. My eldest daughter and I went inside the ICU. When April started talking to his father, I know Reddy was struggling to move. I know he's still with us. His legs were jerking. We started to tell him that in 2 days, we will be celebrating Zam's birthday. He had to stand up. He had to move. He had to be alive. My daughter was sobbing, my tears were falling, but I can't still bring myself to cry out loud, to sob. I still don't know why. We were told to wait for the visiting hours. It's at 10am the following day. The longest 9 or 10 hours of my life.

December 19, 2006 around 9:30am...onwards

I went inside the ICU to talk to the doctor. The doctor told me that his eyes have dilated again(whatever that means). And then he was declared clinically brain dead. Even when the EEG test have not been done. I still didn't know how to react. I just requested that Reddy be moved to a regular room. His daughter, Zam, had to see him. Zam had to talk to him. I knew Zam will still make a difference. I knew Zam will bring him back to life. At that moment, part of me was losing hope. Part of me was starting to prepare for the inevitable. But, despite what the doctors have said, part of me still believed in miracles. Though, I know that miracles happen in about one in a million, it's still possible that miracle will be given to us...to Reddy. We started praying...his sister, his mom, his brother in law and his aunt, who are all in the US started talking to him over the phone. We are all fighting for Reddy's life. We are all giving him the strength and encouragement to fight back to life.

I kept telling him to come back. That we still have so many things to do. so many places that we haven't been to. He still has to see his daughters graduate. In his words, "bubugbugin pa niya yung mga manliligaw ng mga anak niya" He still has to see them get married, have kids. He still has to see his grandchildren.

Friends started to visit, started praying for him. They even started teasing him when he's lying in bed unconscious. "Pare, inom na tayo"..."Badminton na tayo"..."Game na" I know he can hear those words of encouragement. And I know that he's still trying to fight back. I just knew that he still wanted to live. I JUST KNOW.

Days passed and his chances of getting better are getting grim. I didn't know when I started telling him that if he's already in pain, if he's tired, he can go and rest. To not worry about me and his kids because the people who love him will take care of us. I just asked him to be with us every day. to look after us. To guide me in taking care of the kids. I just can't bear to look at him in that condition anymore. I have to let go to ease him of the pain. But, something in my heart is still holding on to him. I knew he never wanted to leave us, especially his kids, but his body can't take the pain anymore. He is such a very active individual. Someone, who is so restless. Even if he's not feeling well, he will just take something for the pain and then he'll be moving around again. He just can't stand or sit still. That's why I knew, that if he still can, he will still try to endure the pain that he was going through in that hospital bed. Just so he can still be with us. But, I also knew in my heart that even though he still wanted to be with us, his body can't take the pain anymore. All those medicines, the doctor told me, was the maximum dose they can give to a patient. They started giving him one medicine to stabilize his BP and then there were three. All in their maximum dosage. I know with all the medicine he was given, he's had enough. Because Reddy is not someone who depends on medicines/drugs.

Reddy's BP started dropping on the 22nd of December. Family members and friends started to cry. Started to say their goodbyes to Reddy. I asked that my children and I be given the chance to spend some time alone with my husband...their father. They need to talk to their father. To say their goodbyes away from the eyes and the ears of (even) family members. Our eldest daughter, april who's only 14, have shown strength, maturity and grace all throughout this ordeal. Zam, our youngest was the one who I know still wants to hold on to Reddy. But, I knew at that point she understood that her father can't be with us anymore.

That experience was the maximum dosage one can have in a lifetime. Even in 2 or more lifetimes.

Reddy joined our Creator on the 23rd of December. 3 days after Zam's birthday. 2 days before our Creator's birthday. 10 days before the new year. He was laid to rest on December 28.

mylene 01012007